Escaping the Drama – THINKWELLNOW

How to Transform Relationships

Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship, like you’re going through the motions and the same negative patterns keep repeating? You’re not alone. Many of us find ourselves caught in what’s known as the Drama Triangle, a dysfunctional dynamic that can wreak havoc on our personal lives, workplaces, and even our own self-perception. But it doesn’t have to be that way: there’s an alternative. By understanding these patterns and shifting into the Empowerment Triangle, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling connections.

The Drama Triangle: A Recipe for Dysfunction

The Drama Triangle, as described by Stephen Karpman, involves three roles: the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. These roles create a cycle of negativity where no one truly wins:

The Victim: This person feels helpless, believes bad things are always happening to them, and blames their circumstances. They believe they have no power to change their situation, often saying things like, “I was born in the wrong place,” “It’s my parents’/wife’s/boss’s fault,” or “There’s nothing I can do”.
The Persecutor: This individual blames and criticises others, often lacking empathy. They might say, “You’re pathetic, you brought this on yourself,” or “You don’t deserve anything”.
The Rescuer: This person feels the need to help the victim, often at their own expense. They might say, “Oh, you poor victim, let me help you,” but they often enable the victim and eventually become resentful.

However, in the Drama Triangle these roles aren’t fixed. The rescuer can become the persecutor, the victim can team up with the rescuer to persecute the initial persecutor, and so on. This shifting dynamic keeps everyone stuck, unable to address the root issues and unable to grow. Why do we do this? Because each role has a hidden payoff. The victim avoids responsibility, the persecutor cuts off emotions, and the rescuer gets to feel good about helping and can feel superior.

Real-Life Examples of the Drama Triangle

The drama triangle shows up in various settings:

Family Dynamics: A child says they can’t do their homework. One parent, the persecutor, says “Just get on with it. Don’t be lazy.” The other parent, the rescuer, offers to do the homework for the child. This creates conflict and reinforces the child’s victimhood.
Parental Separation: Children can get caught in the middle of a Drama Triangle where one parent is seen as the “bad” one and the other as the “good” one.
Workplace: A worker feels “snowed under”. A co-worker offers to do the work for them, while the boss blames the overwhelmed worker.

These dynamics can also be triggered by past experiences, like a tone of voice that reminds someone of a parent. It can make you feel like a child again, even though the person you’re interacting with is completely different from the person who triggered you in the past. It’s like we’re playing out recordings from our childhood.

The Empowerment Triangle: A Path to Positive Change

So, how do we break free from this cycle? By shifting to the Empowerment Triangle, a model where each role is transformed into a positive and growth-oriented position:

The Creator: Instead of feeling helpless, the creator takes responsibility and asks, “What are the possibilities? What can I do?” They focus on what they can control and find creative solutions to their challenges.
The Challenger: The challenger provides clear expectations without blame and asks, “This is what needs to be done. What are you going to do about it?” They don’t criticise or point fingers, but they encourage action and accountability.
The Coach: Instead of rescuing, the coach asks guiding questions and supports the person in finding their own solutions. They empower others to use their own agency and recognise their own abilities.

This approach fosters a sense of self-determination.

The Empowerment Triangle in Action

Here’s how the Empowerment Triangle looks in the same scenarios we saw in the Drama Triangle:

Homework: Instead of doing the child’s homework, the parent as a coach asks, “What’s the first step you can take? What do you need to find out? How can you divide your time?”
Workplace: Instead of taking on a colleague’s work, the co-worker might ask, “What resources do you need? What would help you? Who do you need to speak to?” The manager would provide clear expectations, and ask “What is the priority here?” The employee, as creator, can take responsibility to clarify priorities.

The Power of Coaching

The empowerment triangle emphasises the power of coaching. A coach doesn’t take away someone’s ability to find their own solutions. They ask powerful questions that help people recognise their own agency and tap into their own resources. The coach supports, encourages, and guides others to make their own decisions and grow.

Applying the Empowerment Triangle in All Areas of Life

The principles of the empowerment triangle can be applied to many situations:

Personal Relationships: When addressing challenging situations, it’s essential to listen, believe, and give the person agency. Instead of rescuing, you can be a supportive ally. Listen, and validate their feelings, and encourage them to take actions on their own behalf. Focus on the future and what is within their control.
Social and Political Contexts: Instead of rescuing, we can stand alongside and offer support to groups that have been unfairly targeted. Governments can work to change inequitable laws.
Professional Settings: Instead of evaluating a teacher through a didactic, top-down model, using a coaching model empowers teachers to grow and improve. By asking, “What do you want me to observe? What is your focus area of growth?” supervisors become coaches who help teachers take responsibility for their professional development.

By understanding the dynamics of the Drama Triangle and embracing the Empowerment Triangle, we can create more positive and empowering relationships in all areas of our lives. It’s about recognising when we’re stuck in old patterns and choosing a new path, one where everyone takes responsibility, and fosters growth and creativity.

Key Takeaways:

Notice the patterns: Recognising when you’re in a Drama Triangle is the first step to breaking free.
Shift your mindset: Choose the Empowerment Triangle to create more positive relationships.
Embrace responsibility: Focus on what you can control and take ownership of your actions.
Become a coach: Support others without taking away their ability to find solutions.
Create a better world: In social and political contexts, stand alongside those who have been unfairly targeted and work toward a more equitable world.