The Art of Giving Honest Feedback
A Guide for Straight-Talkers
Years ago, I remember being taught that the way you give someone difficult feedback is to make the criticism into a sandwich: say something positive about the person, give the criticism, say something else positive. But who is this really serving? Probably this is more about making us feel better about giving the criticism than it is about guiding the person we are talking to. Worse, they may just feel confused about what you wanted to say!
The “compliment sandwich” approach to feedback can feel disingenuous. We all know when someone’s just layering praise around a critique to soften the blow. But ditching feedback altogether isn’t the answer! Honest, constructive feedback is crucial for growth, both personal and professional. So, how do we deliver the message directly without sounding judgmental or harsh?
Here’s a breakdown on giving clear, effective feedback, incorporating insights from Dr. David Burns and the Harvard Business Review, with a special focus on applying these principles to your personal relationships.
Be Timely and Consistent
Addressing issues promptly is crucial when giving honest feedback. Letting concerns fester can lead to bigger problems. Make it a habit to provide feedback regularly to show that you care about the relationship. For example, if your partner leaves dishes in the sink, address it immediately by saying, “Hey love, I noticed the sink’s a bit full. Would you mind rinsing your dishes after dinner? It would really help me out.”
Focus on Behaviour, Not the Person
Dr. David Burns emphasises the importance of targeting specific actions instead of personality traits. This approach prevents personal attacks and focuses on finding solutions. For instance, if a friend borrows money and doesn’t pay it back on time, say, “Hey, I’m a bit worried because the loan from last month wasn’t repaid yet. Can you let me know what you are doing to get back on track?”
Speak Up, Face-to-Face (or Phone!)
A quick text can feel impersonal. Opt for a private conversation where you can gauge non-verbal cues and engage in a two-way dialogue. Even a phone call can be more effective for sensitive topics. For example, if your teenage child has become withdrawn, have a face-to-face conversation: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been spending as much time with us lately, and you seem to be on your phone or computer a lot more. What’s happening? I’d love to chat if you’re up for it.”
Be Specific – Observe, Don’t Interpret
Facts matter more than assumptions. Instead of saying, “You seem uninterested when I talk,” say, “I noticed you weren’t making eye contact when I was telling you about my day.” This clarifies the specific behaviour and avoids mind-reading. For instance, if your significant other seems distracted, say, “I noticed your phone keeps buzzing when we’re talking. Is there something important you need to check, or can we put the phones away for a while?”
Explain the Impact
Following advice from Harvard Business Review, don’t just point out the issue; explain how it affects you – this is what David Burns means by being assertive. Use phrases like “I’m feeling frustrated that…” or “When you do this, I feel a bit hurt/excluded/ignored.” This builds empathy and motivates change. For example, if a friend keeps cancelling plans last minute, say, “Look, I understand things come up, but when you cancel plans last minute, I feel really disappointed and that I am not that important to you. Maybe we could try confirming plans a bit further in advance?”
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Approach feedback as a chance to work together towards a solution. Ask open-ended questions like “What can we do to improve this?” and listen actively to their perspective. Remember, the goal is to guide improvement, not to judge. By focusing on specific behaviours, their impact, and working together on solutions, you can deliver honest feedback that strengthens your personal relationships.
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