Don’t Get Defensive, Get Defective
How to Turn Feedback into Your Superpower
In my last blog post, I wrote about giving feedback and how to make it useful and to the point. In today’s piece I want to look at the other side of the coin: how to receive feedback or criticism. This includes performance reviews at work, critiques from friends on your writing, or even loved ones’ suggestions on how we could improve in certain aspects. Whilst we might say we are open to receiving constructive criticism and whilst we might know it could be invaluable for growth, it’s not always easy to hear and our initial instinct is to defend ourselves.
Our natural instinct might be to get defensive, dismiss the feedback, or even feel a pang of personal attack. But the key is not to shut down. Remember: feedback is a gift, an opportunity to see ourselves through another’s eyes and identify areas for improvement. So, how can we shift our perspective and truly receive feedback in a way that fosters growth?
1. Breathe and Take a Step Back
The first step is acknowledging that hearing feedback can trigger emotional responses. Take a moment to compose yourself. Is your initial reaction anger? Hurt? Confusion? Identifying these emotions can help you process the feedback more objectively. You might even want to acknowledge that feeling openly, “Wow, hearing you say that really hurts,” or “Knowing that’s how I came across to you, I feel really confused.”
2. Listen Actively, Not Reactively
Don’t interrupt or formulate a rebuttal in your head while the other person is speaking. Focus on truly understanding their perspective. Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you’ve heard to ensure you’re on the same page. You might want to ask, “When you said […] can you explain that a it more?” or “This is what I heard you say […] is that right?”
3. Separate Intent from Impact
Sometimes, even well-meaning feedback can come across as harsh. Try to separate the intent behind the feedback from the impact it has on you. Perhaps the delivery was blunt, but the underlying message could be valuable.
4. Focus on the Facts, Not the Emotions
Feedback often contains a mix of observations and opinions. Distinguish between factual statements (“You missed two deadlines this month”) and subjective opinions (“Your writing style is boring”). Focus on the objective aspects that you can potentially work on. When you hear an opinion being expressed, ask a clarifying question, “When you say “boring’, it would help if you could be more specific. What in particular is it that you find boring? How might this be improved?”
5. Not All Feedback is Created Equal
It’s okay to respectfully disagree. Consider the source and their expertise. Feedback from a trusted colleague or mentor carries more weight than a random comment online.
6. Seek Clarification
If something is unclear, don’t be afraid to ask for more details or specific examples. The goal is to understand the feedback fully so you can decide how to use it.
7. Thank the Giver
Even if the feedback is tough to hear, express gratitude for the person’s willingness to share their perspective. It shows you’re open to learning and growth.
8. Reflect and Decide
Once you’ve processed the feedback, take some time to reflect on its validity. Even if you don’t agree with everything a person says to you, there will always be something that is true! Your job is to find the truth in what they said. Then decide what actionable steps you can take to improve.
Here are a few examples of tough criticisms along with some possible responses:
- “You’re an idiot!” – “You’re right, I can be. What in particular have I done for you to say this right now?”
- “That lesson was boring!” – “That’s tough to hear. What did you notice that makes you say that?”
- “You never pay me any attention!” – “That sounds like you’re feeling a bit neglected. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
Each situation is different and there are no magic words, but there are ways for us to be more open and to take criticism less as a personal attack (even if sometimes it can feel that way) and be more open to growth and improving our relationships
Remember, receiving feedback is a skill that takes practice. By approaching it with an open mind and a growth mindset, you can transform criticism into a powerful tool for self-improvement.
What strategies do you use to remain open and objective when receiving criticism? Share your thoughts in the comments below!